Me: ‘Why am I always tired?’

Me: ‘Why am I always so tired?’

Me2: ‘Because you are too busy’

Me: ‘But I am practically retired, so why am I so busy?’

Me2: ‘Because you choose to be’

Me: ‘But there is always too much to do and life is short, can’t afford to waste a minute’

Me2: ‘That is why you are always so tired.’

Me: ‘But if I had nothing to do, life would be boring, and what would I do with myself all day, and who would I be if I was not doing anything. I would become a lazy couch potato.’

Me2: ‘Does it have to be all or nothing? Is there not a happy medium?’

Me: ‘I get quite anxious if there is a space and I don’t know what to do with myself.’

Me2: ‘Why does space make you anxious? You say that peace and space are what you most want.’

Me: ‘Without structure and a ‘to do’ list, I would have to feel my feelings and some of them are uncomfortable.’

Me2: ‘Maybe avoiding that discomfort is the reason why you stay so busy.’

Me: ‘A lot of people respect me for what I do.’

Me2: ‘Would you have no value if you didn’t do things? Do you have value for just being? Is your self-esteem based on what you do, or what you are? After all, we are human beings, not human doings.

Me: ‘If I don’t slow down soon, I will be dead before I have had time to smell the roses. What am I so afraid of?’

Me2: ‘As is so often the case, it is your critic and pusher who stop you slowing down, because, when you were a child, you were criticised for daydreaming, you were encouraged to get on with it, you were told not to cry and your anger was made so wrong that you stifled it. All these feelings are still there and, sadly, you can’t go around them, you have to go through them.’

Me: ‘Maybe if I book just a little space and go a little at a time, like a date with myself for peace time?

Me2: 'Great, but it is a measure of your self-esteem whether you make a real commitment to keeping that date.

I wish you peace and joy.

Frankie x

Young people feel lonely

The news tells me today that young people often feel lonely.

I know what that is about. As a young person, I felt lonely. I thought it was because I was an only child, but it turns out that that was not the whole story.

What is loneliness? It can’t be being alone, because that’s OK and the cure can’t be about being with people, because I have been at my loneliest in a room full of people, 90% of whom I knew well and the rest I could certainly recognise.

For me, it is all tied up with being embarrassed or ashamed. My critic is at her most active when I am with others. Maybe they won’t like me, maybe I will be mortified if anyone comments on my appearance, maybe I am not as good as them, maybe I should have stayed at home!

I think the rules laid down, not necessarily in writing, but firm nonetheless, meant that, to me, parts of myself were unacceptable. The parts that felt angry, wanted to shout and scream, that wanted to throw a tantrum, jump up and down and shout “it’s not fair”, the parts that found life so difficult that I didn’t want to try because I would only get it wrong, the parts that wanted to crawl into a corner and cry and sob and howl at the moon, in short the parts that were not what I thought my parents wanted, should be hidden, kept away from others at all costs, not allowed to be in the world.

I kept the ‘wrong’ parts under control using sugar to comfort myself, inappropriate relationships to try to convince myself I was lovable, and by working far too hard to try to be what people wanted me to be. The result was an overworked, tired, less than patient person who had forgotten how to relax and enjoy.

A diamond in the raw is just a chunk of rock, but it takes many facets, all different and polished to make the glorious and valuable gem?

Could it be that I was just normal? Does everyone have those feelings?

The more facets of myself I can love and accept will make me more of a diamond!

Frankie x