Whose shit is it?

I am sure my life would be easier if only other people sorted themselves out.

I would love my husband to be more..............(fill in the blanks)

I wish my friends would ...............

My Mother and Father, of course, got it wrong.

The government is stupid, they don't see that they should..............

My being overweight is because of my upbringing.

When I am miserable, or angry, it is always someone else's fault.

Having acknowledged all these things, let’s move on.

Going back to basics, the real question is who is responsible for your feelings?

If the answer is, you, then how far are you responsible?

I take responsibility all the way, even down to choosing my parents to give me exactly the lessons I need to learn this lifetime. For those who have a problem with this last sentence, I am not getting deep and religious, but practical. Blaming our parents is quite a popular pastime lately, but it keeps us in victim mode. Taking responsibility all the way keeps us powerful and stops us getting stuck in the loop of "I can't help it, it was my upbringing" Taking responsibility all the way allows us think about how we can do things differently and, in so doing, empower ourselves.

A couple I know love and admire each other and have been married for years. He is angry a lot and shouts and raves. She immediately tries to stop him because she is afraid of anger. He then feels that she is criticising him and siding with the person he is angry with. She then withdraws because she is hurt. He then rants some more because he is always in the wrong and can never get anything right for her. They then don’t speak for some days until they get over it. They have considered separation and divorce. How would this be different if they each took responsibility for their own feelings?

He would come in and be very angry. She would immediately get out of the line of fire and stand by his side. She would then ask him to explain why he is so angry and she would listen. He would then feel heard and vindicated and that she is on his side. She could then explain how and why she is so uncomfortable with his anger and ask him to make plain at the beginning that the anger does not relate to her.

He would then take anger management classes and she would work on her fear. Maybe this is an idealised way of looking at it, but the more we can take responsibility for our own feelings the better.

When things are not going well, get curious. Finding someone to blame doesn't help. If someone is giving you a hard time, it could be that they are unhappy or jealous and are laying those feelings off on you. It may not be anything to do with you. Whose responsibility is it? Clearly it is theirs. If you are upset about it, then the upset is yours to deal with. You can leave, shout at them, hit them on the head or a choice of many behaviours. Of course, if you hurt them, you are responsible for that.

Should you try to fix things for them? If you try to fix my problems for me, I would certainly come to resent it. (Is that why the USA is so loved all over the world?)

Being compassionate about others and helping where you can, is wonderful. Taking responsibility for their lives is a piece of arrogance.

There are three simple rules: - 

1. First decide whose shit it is.

2. If it is yours clean it up.

3. If it is not yours, don't have anything to do with it.

Frankie x