Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame, what are they?

Guilt is, I believe, a good warning bell that we have behaved in a way that offends our personal moral code. It will encourage us to look at that piece of behaviour and correct it and make what amends we can, or at least learn the lessons it teaches us about our behaviour. On the other hand, it may be that the behaviour is now fine with us and the guilt is old stuff which no longer applies to our current values, or was inherited without being questioned. 

Guilt, therefore, can be useful, if painful.

Shame is very different. Shame is about identity. If guilt is about behaviour and can be a useful diagnostic tool, shame is about who we are and if that is wrong or bad, it would appear that we are stuck with it.

Shame is a sinking of the spirits which undermines our will and, when our faults are stated as fact, leaves no room for correction.

I attended a weekend rebirthing workshop in London some years ago. One of the exercises was to sit in a group of four and tell the other three the most shameful incident in your past. The other three had to keep breathing throughout;
this is because when we feel shame we stop breathing. 

The extraordinary thing was that while my tale was truly awful and caused every kind of shrinking, holding my breath, wriggling and blushing, the other three didn't make much of it. Even more extraordinary was that on their turn, though they wriggled and squirmed, their sins weren't so awful. Could shame also have something to do with perception?

Babies don't feel shame, they speak loud and clear what is on their minds. they laugh and smile when they are happy; they cry or shout when they are not.

We learn to be ashamed of ourselves, usually in childhood and from ongoing messages from parents and teachers. These internalise and we subscribe to our own shame.

Can we do anything with shame?

1. Always speak of ourselves as though we were our own best friend.  A best friend does not always tell us that we are right, but will always, I hope, treat us kindly and still love us.

2. Do a reality check. When we get messages that we are bad or wrong, check whether it is true in reality. Maybe speaking your mind has replaced 'answering back'. Are we doing the best we can? No one can do better than that.

3. Forgiveness. This is a pillar of almost every religion and it is no accident.  It is a most powerful tool in the fight against shame. Forgive ourselves. Do it over and over. Forgiveness does not make the error right, but once we have examined the behaviour and done what we can to put it right, then we must forgive ourselves.

I am not suggesting that this is easy or quick, but persistence and good-will allows us to change how we feel about ourselves...for the better.

Gardening: Joys and Aches

I haven't written for a while because I have been gardening.

Gardening has got me by the collar and demanded all my spare time and energy. The only reason I am writing today is because it is raining too hard for me to go outside.

What is it about gardening that drives elderly or aching bodies to do more physical work than is good for them?
Why do we go outside in all sorts of conditions when we really feel like laying down and reading a book? We hear of the 'gardening bug', but is it really an addiction? If it is, then I have it.

I do most of my veg gardening from seed. I marvel at the capacity of that tiny thing to know how to grow into the good food that we need. I love the beauty of plants who looked rather forlorn a couple of months ago but are now putting on their full summer clothes and coming out. I love that work we did last year and in previous years is still producing nourishment and beauty.

Weeding is difficult in our house, because dandelions are great early feed for bees and various things that I would call weeds are valued by my bee-fanatic husband.

I would love to take the zen attitude that I will share my produce with the snails and slugs, aphids and bugs, but sadly, I am not that enlightened. The nematodes have arrived today and the netting to keep cabbage whites off my brassicas is now deployed.

Fresh air, exercise and the freshness of food which has zero 
miles of transport on it are often quoted as the reasons for gardening, and, yes they are good reasons, but when I am in the garden I feel at one with the earth. I try to be in tune with the goddess Gaia, otherwise known as mother nature and feel pride and awestruck at what we can produce together. 

It might be raining, but I can't let Gaia do it all by herself, can I?