Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame, what are they?

Guilt is, I believe, a good warning bell that we have behaved in a way that offends our personal moral code. It will encourage us to look at that piece of behaviour and correct it and make what amends we can, or at least learn the lessons it teaches us about our behaviour. On the other hand, it may be that the behaviour is now fine with us and the guilt is old stuff which no longer applies to our current values, or was inherited without being questioned. 

Guilt, therefore, can be useful, if painful.

Shame is very different. Shame is about identity. If guilt is about behaviour and can be a useful diagnostic tool, shame is about who we are and if that is wrong or bad, it would appear that we are stuck with it.

Shame is a sinking of the spirits which undermines our will and, when our faults are stated as fact, leaves no room for correction.

I attended a weekend rebirthing workshop in London some years ago. One of the exercises was to sit in a group of four and tell the other three the most shameful incident in your past. The other three had to keep breathing throughout;
this is because when we feel shame we stop breathing. 

The extraordinary thing was that while my tale was truly awful and caused every kind of shrinking, holding my breath, wriggling and blushing, the other three didn't make much of it. Even more extraordinary was that on their turn, though they wriggled and squirmed, their sins weren't so awful. Could shame also have something to do with perception?

Babies don't feel shame, they speak loud and clear what is on their minds. they laugh and smile when they are happy; they cry or shout when they are not.

We learn to be ashamed of ourselves, usually in childhood and from ongoing messages from parents and teachers. These internalise and we subscribe to our own shame.

Can we do anything with shame?

1. Always speak of ourselves as though we were our own best friend.  A best friend does not always tell us that we are right, but will always, I hope, treat us kindly and still love us.

2. Do a reality check. When we get messages that we are bad or wrong, check whether it is true in reality. Maybe speaking your mind has replaced 'answering back'. Are we doing the best we can? No one can do better than that.

3. Forgiveness. This is a pillar of almost every religion and it is no accident.  It is a most powerful tool in the fight against shame. Forgive ourselves. Do it over and over. Forgiveness does not make the error right, but once we have examined the behaviour and done what we can to put it right, then we must forgive ourselves.

I am not suggesting that this is easy or quick, but persistence and good-will allows us to change how we feel about ourselves...for the better.