What is it about music?

Much to Himself's disgust, I have been playing Chas and Dave's hundred hits. It has dredged up all kinds of musical memories from the past.

Music has always been a huge part of my life, my Father's family would gather at any excuse at my Gran's house, after the pub shut and there would always be a sing song. Each of Dad's siblings would have their own party piece, as did Nan. I can remember them all, although eight of my Dad's siblings and Dad have passed away. This has led to an undying love of music hall and bawdy comic songs.

My Mum, being Italian, would constantly sing when I was a child and even today at ninety one, can still be persuaded to sing along in the car. When I went to school, I knew nothing of Winnie the Poo or Beatrix Potter. but I could sing Neapolitan songs and hum along to lots of operatic arias. At the time, I considered myself set apart by this, but as the years have gone on I realise how rich and varied my musical background has been.

I took piano lessons as a child and this along with the Home Service radio, gave me a love of the classics. As ignorant as I am, I can still La along with most popular classics.

I am a lover of song lyrics, and from Shakespeare through Ira Gershwin, Lennon-McCartney to Ed Sheeran, the capacity of lyricists to express my truth even better than I can, has delighted me. This has led to one of my most irritating habits, which is to respond to peoples remarks with a bit of song lyric.

There is music and rhythm to language. My Husband spoke of the Mersey Docks and Harbour Board. Doesn't that make you want to sing it to the tune of 'mares eat oats and does eat oats???

I also love regional accents. They add further richness to our language. When I first moved to the midlands I ran a cash and carry in Nottingham. On my first morning I was walking around the shop floor and saw a customer in a brown coat. I politely wished him 'good morning' and he replied 'ey oop me dok'. Bewildered,  I had to ask a member of staff what he had said. 

I'd like to tell you that 'I got the music in me', that 'it's only words', that you should 'treat me nice', and please 'don't go breaking my heart'. 

On that note I'll, 'let it be'.

Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame, what are they?

Guilt is, I believe, a good warning bell that we have behaved in a way that offends our personal moral code. It will encourage us to look at that piece of behaviour and correct it and make what amends we can, or at least learn the lessons it teaches us about our behaviour. On the other hand, it may be that the behaviour is now fine with us and the guilt is old stuff which no longer applies to our current values, or was inherited without being questioned. 

Guilt, therefore, can be useful, if painful.

Shame is very different. Shame is about identity. If guilt is about behaviour and can be a useful diagnostic tool, shame is about who we are and if that is wrong or bad, it would appear that we are stuck with it.

Shame is a sinking of the spirits which undermines our will and, when our faults are stated as fact, leaves no room for correction.

I attended a weekend rebirthing workshop in London some years ago. One of the exercises was to sit in a group of four and tell the other three the most shameful incident in your past. The other three had to keep breathing throughout;
this is because when we feel shame we stop breathing. 

The extraordinary thing was that while my tale was truly awful and caused every kind of shrinking, holding my breath, wriggling and blushing, the other three didn't make much of it. Even more extraordinary was that on their turn, though they wriggled and squirmed, their sins weren't so awful. Could shame also have something to do with perception?

Babies don't feel shame, they speak loud and clear what is on their minds. they laugh and smile when they are happy; they cry or shout when they are not.

We learn to be ashamed of ourselves, usually in childhood and from ongoing messages from parents and teachers. These internalise and we subscribe to our own shame.

Can we do anything with shame?

1. Always speak of ourselves as though we were our own best friend.  A best friend does not always tell us that we are right, but will always, I hope, treat us kindly and still love us.

2. Do a reality check. When we get messages that we are bad or wrong, check whether it is true in reality. Maybe speaking your mind has replaced 'answering back'. Are we doing the best we can? No one can do better than that.

3. Forgiveness. This is a pillar of almost every religion and it is no accident.  It is a most powerful tool in the fight against shame. Forgive ourselves. Do it over and over. Forgiveness does not make the error right, but once we have examined the behaviour and done what we can to put it right, then we must forgive ourselves.

I am not suggesting that this is easy or quick, but persistence and good-will allows us to change how we feel about ourselves...for the better.

Gardening: Joys and Aches

I haven't written for a while because I have been gardening.

Gardening has got me by the collar and demanded all my spare time and energy. The only reason I am writing today is because it is raining too hard for me to go outside.

What is it about gardening that drives elderly or aching bodies to do more physical work than is good for them?
Why do we go outside in all sorts of conditions when we really feel like laying down and reading a book? We hear of the 'gardening bug', but is it really an addiction? If it is, then I have it.

I do most of my veg gardening from seed. I marvel at the capacity of that tiny thing to know how to grow into the good food that we need. I love the beauty of plants who looked rather forlorn a couple of months ago but are now putting on their full summer clothes and coming out. I love that work we did last year and in previous years is still producing nourishment and beauty.

Weeding is difficult in our house, because dandelions are great early feed for bees and various things that I would call weeds are valued by my bee-fanatic husband.

I would love to take the zen attitude that I will share my produce with the snails and slugs, aphids and bugs, but sadly, I am not that enlightened. The nematodes have arrived today and the netting to keep cabbage whites off my brassicas is now deployed.

Fresh air, exercise and the freshness of food which has zero 
miles of transport on it are often quoted as the reasons for gardening, and, yes they are good reasons, but when I am in the garden I feel at one with the earth. I try to be in tune with the goddess Gaia, otherwise known as mother nature and feel pride and awestruck at what we can produce together. 

It might be raining, but I can't let Gaia do it all by herself, can I?

It's hard to loose a friend

I haven’t written for a while and I was not sure why.

My friend died and it was painful to go into the feelings.

My first concern was to support his wife. She is understandably shattered. But now I have the time and space to feel my own feelings.

I miss him.

He was invariably cheerful and always glad to be with us: most generous in spirit and with his hospitality.

My friend died from cancer, he was otherwise fit and healthy.

Maybe this is more difficult for me because I had cancer and although mine was less life threatening than his, the word still resonates.

All this is true, but perhaps there is even more to it.

I watched the netball final at the Commonwealth Games. It was the best netball match I have ever seen. I played netball for 42 years. Seeing those girls moving so quickly and beautifully reminded me of my playing days. I was never anywhere near as good as these women, but I did move about and had some skills.

I miss being able to run about and move quickly.

I love “Strictly Come Dancing”. Watching people who have never danced before becoming graceful and elegant is a delight. I once won a jive competition at the town hall. My friend and I have jived together since 1982. Neither she nor I can do that now.

I miss dancing.

I love to watch Roger Federer play tennis. He moves like music, is fluid and graceful. I played tennis in my Teddy Tingling tennis dress at the tennis club. Please don’t think I am comparing myself to Roger Federer, I’m not, but I did play.

I miss playing tennis.

Maybe my friend’s death has resonated with all the other losses in my life and caused me to look inside.

I have written before about the compensations of old age and while I have listed some of the losses I must also point out that I now have the time to feel my feelings, to potter about in my modest garden and to grow all the fruit and veg that I can, to play my keyboard, even if at the moment it is the blues.

I had a friend whom I loved and who loved me. How lucky am I?

Is it better to give than to receive?

‘It is better to give than to receive’, or is it?

Try this exercise with a friend.

Take a very ordinary item like a pen or a fork. Ask your friend to give it to you as though presenting a gift.

You reply, very politely, that kind though it is of them, you cannot accept the pen because you already have several and it might be more useful to someone else or to the giver. (Classic, ”You shouldn’t have!”)

Ask your friend how he/she feels.

Let your friend repeat the presentation as before.

This time you reply to the effect that you are delighted to receive the pen, that though you have others, you are going to keep this one specially for your crosswords and therefore when relaxing and doing crosswords you will think of your friend.

Ask the friend how he/she feels now and is there a difference between the first reaction and the second.

Although the exercise is contrived the feelings are still very different because in the first scenario the act of giving was not completed by the act of receiving. Person A did not give the giver the gift of giving.

Giving and receiving are flip sides of the same coin and one is not complete without the other.

I have always found receiving much more difficult than giving and it is only in recent years that I have realised how selfish I have been.

In my early days of ‘therapping’, I thought I could cure the world. Don’t worry, I soon got over that. One of the things I did was to give my services away to those ‘I judged’ needed it. There were 3 consequences of this. First, the client did not value the treatment and would be quite casual about turning up and second, I disempowered the client and keeping them in the therapist/client loop and third, I wasn’t making any money. None of these were outcomes that I sought, and I quickly learned that if someone needed a discount or even barter, it had to be on a negotiated basis. I was not in a position to ‘judge’ whether someone needed free treatment and this colossal piece of arrogance needed to be swept away. Anyone who wanted any skills I might have, always wanted to pay in some way and I had to learn to realise that as part of their empowerment.

My Dad told me ‘don’t let them see you’re hurt’. He also told me not to raise my head above the parapet or someone will shoot it off.

I had been fiercely independent and proud of that. What a fool! No wonder I was lonely and afraid. I thought that being independent kept me from looking vulnerable and therefore weak.

Now, the Universe has taught me a series of vulnerability lessons. When my world suddenly fell apart when It was discovered that I had breast cancer and atrial fibrillation, I had to learn to receive the hard way.

Well I am still here and now in my later years, what with Age Related Deterioration (see ARD blog), more vulnerable than ever. But allowing myself to receive the love and support of my Husband and my friends and family makes my life richer than ever.

Frankie x

Whose shit is it?

I am sure my life would be easier if only other people sorted themselves out.

I would love my husband to be more..............(fill in the blanks)

I wish my friends would ...............

My Mother and Father, of course, got it wrong.

The government is stupid, they don't see that they should..............

My being overweight is because of my upbringing.

When I am miserable, or angry, it is always someone else's fault.

Having acknowledged all these things, let’s move on.

Going back to basics, the real question is who is responsible for your feelings?

If the answer is, you, then how far are you responsible?

I take responsibility all the way, even down to choosing my parents to give me exactly the lessons I need to learn this lifetime. For those who have a problem with this last sentence, I am not getting deep and religious, but practical. Blaming our parents is quite a popular pastime lately, but it keeps us in victim mode. Taking responsibility all the way keeps us powerful and stops us getting stuck in the loop of "I can't help it, it was my upbringing" Taking responsibility all the way allows us think about how we can do things differently and, in so doing, empower ourselves.

A couple I know love and admire each other and have been married for years. He is angry a lot and shouts and raves. She immediately tries to stop him because she is afraid of anger. He then feels that she is criticising him and siding with the person he is angry with. She then withdraws because she is hurt. He then rants some more because he is always in the wrong and can never get anything right for her. They then don’t speak for some days until they get over it. They have considered separation and divorce. How would this be different if they each took responsibility for their own feelings?

He would come in and be very angry. She would immediately get out of the line of fire and stand by his side. She would then ask him to explain why he is so angry and she would listen. He would then feel heard and vindicated and that she is on his side. She could then explain how and why she is so uncomfortable with his anger and ask him to make plain at the beginning that the anger does not relate to her.

He would then take anger management classes and she would work on her fear. Maybe this is an idealised way of looking at it, but the more we can take responsibility for our own feelings the better.

When things are not going well, get curious. Finding someone to blame doesn't help. If someone is giving you a hard time, it could be that they are unhappy or jealous and are laying those feelings off on you. It may not be anything to do with you. Whose responsibility is it? Clearly it is theirs. If you are upset about it, then the upset is yours to deal with. You can leave, shout at them, hit them on the head or a choice of many behaviours. Of course, if you hurt them, you are responsible for that.

Should you try to fix things for them? If you try to fix my problems for me, I would certainly come to resent it. (Is that why the USA is so loved all over the world?)

Being compassionate about others and helping where you can, is wonderful. Taking responsibility for their lives is a piece of arrogance.

There are three simple rules: - 

1. First decide whose shit it is.

2. If it is yours clean it up.

3. If it is not yours, don't have anything to do with it.

Frankie x

It's not what you feel that does the damage, it's what you feel about what you feel.

If I feel sad or angry, it may be entirely appropriate, but if I give myself a hard time for those feelings, then I both perpetuate and magnify the issue.

Grief is a difficult emotion for many of us to handle. In the West we are often reluctant to express our emotions and, unlike many other cultures, we do not have ritual grieving processes. I was in Saudi Arabia when the father of a Saudi acquaintance of mine died. There was a very swift cremation followed by a 3 day ritual grieving which particularly struck me because it was the first time I had experienced the sound of many women ululating. Ululation, for those who have never experienced it, is a continuous high-pitched squeal while moving your tongue from side to side. It is eerie and uncomfortable, but it certainly releases your feelings. For an uptight westerner like me, the open expression of grief was a little embarrassing, but I soon recognised its worth. In many cultures, neighbours understand that grieving requires energy and very often call with gifts of food, usually hot and hearty. How civilised.

I had a client once who came to me with a persistent and painful shoulder. She was a very spiritual lady and had used many and various holistic practices to heal her shoulder. She told me that her mother had died the previous year, but it was OK because her mother was a very religious person, that she was ready to go and that it was a blessed release from suffering.

She had the wrong end of the stick about grief. The person who has died has gone on to the next thing, whatever you believe that to be. It is the hole in the survivor's life that causes the pain. The commonest symptoms of grief are withdrawal, wanting to stay at home, crying and getting angry. These three things are so natural and logical. The world has changed for the survivor and he may feel threatened by that. Staying at home, in your safe space, gives you a chance to regroup. Crying purges the feelings of sadness. My professor at college told me never to miss the opportunity of a good laugh or a good cry. Anger is the process by which we register that something is wrong.  All these feelings are appropriate and if we allow them to be OK, we can move through them in the appropriate order. 

The real difficulty lies in the judgments we put on our emotions. For example, "Big boys don't cry". I was horrified when I read the headlines about Gazza, the footballer, when he cried after losing a football match. If he cried it meant that the loss was important to him. I would want top sportsmen, playing for their country, to care deeply!

Some women find that in business, if they stand firm on a subject, and vociferously defend their position, their male colleagues may label them as 'angry women' and dismiss their views. While the same behaviour in a man is considered strong and determined and is much admired.

Some cultures think that anger is a bad thing and that we should be meek and mild. Jesus is sometimes referred to as meek and mild, but we must remember that he was so angry he threw the moneylenders out of the temple.

The Mahatma, Ghandi, never advocated violence, but he stuck resolutely to his truth despite all kinds of punishments and threats. His anger changed the history of India.

At its best anger is the energy to stop that which is abusive, or the energy to make what we want to happen. It is determination and insistence. It is standing up for yourself.

I think the secret may be to get curious. If we feel something strongly, before we make it wrong, we could ask ourselves why. Clarity and space may move the feeling along, leave us with ideas of how to remedy the situation, or to accept what we can't change.

Frankie x