Microcosm and macrocosm

Why is what we believe always true?

The world around us is an exact reflection of what is happening in our minds. It must be or we would go mad. (see blog "what you believe must be true")

The microcosm, (our inner world) is an exact reflection of the macrocosm (the outer world).

Many of us try to change the macrocosm and become sad and frustrated because things don't change.

Some people change jobs because they feel disrespected or unappreciated. They may have relationship difficulties with colleagues or bosses. They change jobs hoping for a new start and a clean sheet. It doesn't take long before the same kind of situations start to arise.

Donald Trump has been married several times, but each has been a carbon copy of Ivana, his first wife. 

I had a friend who was hurt in a car accident and suffered some mild brain damage. It did not affect his intellect, but he became very quietly spoken and was a bit wobbly on his feet. Some people would say he looked and sounded drunk.

He was very keen on the girl next door, but he was convinced she would never look at him and that she didn't even know he existed.

He went on a self-confidence workshop I ran and, as is so often the case in these circumstances, he thrived as the whole group loved and supported him. He left the workshop buoyed up and feeling good about himself. As he returned home and put the key in his door, the lovely lady came out of her house and gave him a big smile. "I see you have been away, would you like a cup of tea before you settle back?"

They have now been happily married for some years.

What changed? Did the girl have a change of heart suddenly? Was it the season, or the weather, or the political situation? No, it was his self esteem. He had come to feel worthy and more significant as a person. She picked up the changed vibe straight away and reacted to it.

What we believe about ourselves is programmed in early childhood and rarely reflects objective reality. See "What you believe must be true". We are told by loving, but unaware parents that we are limited or unable to do things. We are labelled and the labels stick.

I worked with two brothers. Their mother, who loved them both dearly, had them labelled. The older was the clever intellectual one, but not practical, while his brother was very able practically, but not intellectual. Despite the fact that he is a highly intelligent man, the younger still believes he is not as bright as his brother, while the wife of the older one has a struggle getting him to do practical jobs around the house, despite the fact that he is more than capable.

Children believe what they are told, and the belief gets registered in their brain. If, as adults, we want to change a belief (the younger you are the easier it is), we have to do 3 things: -

1. Tell ourselves what we want to believe as though it is true. This is the      strangest and most difficult thing for most of us to get our heads round,     but it is essential in the process. Remember that there is a journey over the 'hypocritical bridge' to get to the new truth.

2. Only ever speak of ourselves as though we were our own best friend.      Would our best friend criticise us unkindly, or would he respect, admire       and approve of us, no matter what?

3. Fake it till you make it. Act as though what you want to be true is true       now. I don't mean spend money you don't have, I mean treat yourself as though you are successful, respected and loved all the time.

You can change the macrocosm, but only through the microcosm. The work is simple, but the resistance is huge.

Good luck.

Frankie x

What you believe must be true.

Why is what we believe always true?

The world around us is an exact reflection of what is happening in our minds. It must be, or we would go mad. (see blog "what you believe must be true")

The microcosm, (our inner world) is an exact reflection of the macrocosm (the outer world).

Many of us try to change the macrocosm and become sad and frustrated because things don't change.

Some people change jobs because they feel disrespected or unappreciated. They may have relationship difficulties with colleagues or bosses. They change jobs hoping for a new start and a clean sheet. It doesn't take long before the same kind of situations start to arise.

Donald Trump has been married several times, but each has been a carbon copy of Ivana, his first wife. His latest wife Ivanka has only one letter different in her first name.

I had a friend who was hurt in a car accident and suffered some mild brain damage. It did not affect his intellect, but he became very quietly spoken and was a bit wobbly on his feet. Some people would say he looked and sounded drunk.

He was very keen on the girl next door, but he was convinced she would never look at him and that she didn't even know he existed.

He went on a self-confidence workshop with me and, as is so often the case in these circumstances, he thrived as the whole group loved and supported him. He left the workshop buoyed up and feeling good about himself. As he returned home and put the key in his door, the lovely lady came out of her house and gave him a big smile. "I see you have been away, would you like a cup of tea before you settle back?"

They have now been happily married for some years.

What changed? Did the girl have a change of heart suddenly? Was it the season, or the weather, or the political situation? No, it was his self esteem. He had come to feel worthy and more significant as a person. She picked up the changed vibe straight away and reacted to it.

What we believe about ourselves is programmed in early childhood and rarely reflects objective reality. See "What you believe must be true". We are told by loving, but unaware parents that we are limited or unable to do things.  We are labelled and the labels stick.

I worked with two brothers. Their mother, who loved them both dearly, had them labelled. The older was the clever intellectual one, but not practical, while his brother was very able practically, but not intellectual. Despite the fact that he is a highly intelligent man, the younger still believes he is not as bright as his brother, while the wife of the older one has a struggle getting him to do practical jobs around the house, despite the fact that he is more than capable.

Children believe what they are told, and the belief gets registered in their brain. If, as adults, (and the younger you are the easier it is) we want to change a belief, we have to do 3 things: -

1. Tell ourselves what we want to believe as though it is true. This is the strangest and most difficult thing for most of us to get our head round, but it is essential in the process. Remember that there is a journey over the 'hypocritical bridge' to get to the new truth.

2. Only ever speak of ourselves as though we were our own best friend. Would our best friend criticise us unkindly, or would he respect, admire and approve of us, no matter what?

3. Fake it till you make it. Act as though what you want to be true is true now. I don't mean spend money you don't have, I mean treat yourself as though you are successful, respected and loved all the time.

You can change the macrocosm, but only through the microcosm. The work is simple, but the resistance is huge.

Good luck.

Frankie x

What is it about Autumn?

Autumn, season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, or time for sadness and colds?

How can the closing down of the year be attended by such a fantastic display of colour and exuberance and then be followed by bare trees and sadness?

For me, autumn is a poignant paradox. I feel the oncoming cold of winter, but the earth is still warm; I feel the sadness of plants dying in the garden, but the beauty of the trees as they prepare to lose their summer green; I notice the damp in my nose and throat and the folks around me catching colds, but I so enjoy walking in the glorious fall.

Autumn is traditionally a time to get rid of your rubbish, have a good clear out and make right and tight for the winter. Farmers want to be sure they have brought in the harvest and have it safely stored by now. If it is not, we are in for some hard times come spring. They clear and prepare the land for spring sowing. The work we do now, as most gardeners know, will more than repay us next year. Can this be true at many different levels? Is there also an internal process of tidying up and letting go?

In Chinese medicine, the organs associated with autumn are lungs and bowels. More rubbish is exhaled from the body than is released at the other end. What about your bowels, are they letting go? What about your breath, can you exhale and let go of the tension which causes many of us to hold our breath? Why do so many people get colds and various illnesses at this time of year?

With all this letting go, I find this is a time when I remember those I have lost and mourn them anew. If I have really done my grieving and completed the process (a scab will grow over the pain in time, but there will always be a scar) then I am grateful for having had them and can remember the good times and love with a joyful, sad nostalgia.

Why do we make sadness and grief wrong? We love sad movies which make us cry, but many find crying for themselves almost impossible. Many of us still subscribe to the 'big boys don't cry' school of thought and we wonder why those held back tears cause so much chest disease in men.

I have always thought of myself as a summer girl, but now, in the autumn of my years I am feeling at one with this lovely season.

Frankie x

Why Frankie?

My name is not Frankie or any variation on that name. My confirmation name was Francesca, but that is long since forgotten. Frankie was my Dad.

My friend asked me why I had used that name since I had struggled all my life with my over active internal critic and my critic learned most of its business from my Dad. This caused me to ponder. Why would I name this blog, after my Dad, particularly since I have been looking for my own voice for so many years?

Early in my conscious journey, I attended a workshop. After processing a great deal of distress caused by my critic, we did an exercise known affectionately as 'the shit into chocolate cake process'.

What did all that criticism give me and teach me?

My Dad's criticism made me want to learn and grow and hopefully become excellent at what I do. It had other benefits too. I can spot a distressed inner child at 50 yards, I am sensitive to what is not being said and felt, I can read the early programming in someone's language. and like my Dad, I care deeply about truth and justice.

Because I am so aware of the effects critics can have on a person, I try to be very careful when discussing patterns of behaviour with someone. If I do go too far or too fast, I can feel the pain, even before they feel it themselves.

My very dear and deeply loved Dad was very aware of the reaction people have to arrogance and conceit. He largely stopped me being that. He was also highly principled, a grafter and, right up to his death, willing to learn. I do hope someone will be able to say that about me when my time comes.

Frankie x

Why Blog?

Recently my first ever patient telephoned me. She started with me nearly 30 years ago. She invited herself for a cup of tea and asked if I still practised as an acupuncturist. I told her that while being semi-retired, I still saw a few patients.

Now a personal growth trainer, she has, among other things, a successful practice as a remedial masseuse. At the time of her ‘phone call, she was delivering training in Greece.

She told me that she had been telling participants about me and mentioned a book that I had recommended 30 years before. This was Being Happy by Andrew Matthews. By the way, all his books are great, and he makes his points concisely and with humour.

I was surprised and delighted to hear that one of her clients wanted to come and see me. This led me to think about the unpredictable networking results of our social interactions. It reminded me of the ripple effect of dropping a stone into a pond.

My heart goes out to all those young people who struggle to find peace, harmony and balance in their lives. I wish I had had a me, when I went through the loneliness and despair that I often felt in my teens and twenties.

I can no longer manage a full list of patients, (see blog about being 70). What can I do, then, with my 30 years’ experience as an acupuncturist, rebirther, counsellor, and 40 years of life experience?

Can I still reach out to those young people who are struggling? I thought about writing a book, but I don’t have the patience. An occasional blog when I am moved to write seems exactly right and, after all we oldies, must keep up with the cyber-age.

Frankie x

Friendship

My friend was talking about the nature of friendship.

She felt there were 4 main areas to consider:

1.   Support. Friends are there to support you when times are hard, or the           challenges feel heavy.

2.   You can knock on a friend's door at any time of the day or night and a          bed is made, the kettle on and no questions asked.

3.   You can tell a friend anything and he or she will listen without     judgement.

4.   Your friends will encourage and share your joys and successes.

The item which moves me most is the last.

Is it about being needed? Is it about power? Do we feel more powerful when we can help? Do we feel inferior? Are we jealous? Somehow it seems to be easier to support someone who is struggling, than to give wholehearted support to someone who is full of joy.

There are various expressions in the English language which would seem to confirm this view. 'Pride comes before a fall'. 'For tonight we'll merry be, tomorrow we'll be sober'. 'What goes up must come down'. 'Don't count your chickens before they are hatched'. 'We like to support the underdog'. 'Don't tempt fate'. In the Old World we don't like winners too much and it seems a little gauche to really enjoy your own achievements, let alone those of your friends. The worst offence in my childhood was to be big-headed and I was told that nobody would like me if I was big-headed. What that did to my self-esteem you can only guess.

We know that what we think about grows. Why do we, therefore, spend so much time thinking about things which make us sad, miserable or angry?

It is important to know about the bad things that happen in the world because we may be able to do something; but if we can't do anything about it, it behoves us to let it go and get on with adding to the peace and joy vibes in the universe.

I watch enough news to get a rough picture of what is going on so that I can use my vote or my energy to help, but that works out at about 10 minutes worth, in the morning, once I have got my protection in place.

In my work, I am involved with the human distress of individuals and I hope my involvement sometimes helps. Professionally, I have to be able to put that to one side after work and get on with living my life.

Thereafter, I want to spend my time thinking about love, peace and joy and relish the amazing and wonderful things my friends and family get up to.

Frankie x

ARD Age Related Deterioration

I shall be 70 tomorrow. I am not ill. I am suffering from ARD.

This is a fascinating syndrome, at least to those suffering from it and who regularly exchange details of their symptoms. It is well known to people of a certain age. Not there yet? You will be!

ARD often affects the eyes. Remarks like, 'My arms are not long enough to read that', 'I need my other spectacles' and 'Why do they print everything so much smaller than they used to', are sure signs that ARD is affecting the eyes.

Next, the ears. 'Why do people mumble so much nowadays. They didn't used to.'

Joints creak and getting up from a seated position takes longer. Aches and pains become a fact of life. Digestion is less efficient, at both ends. We sufferers know all the issues of wind!

Attention span is shorter and memory lapses more often. 'What did I come in here for?' can be heard as we move from one room to another. There are tedious conversations about 'You know, the one who was in that thing with whatsisname!'

The picture is one of ongoing deterioration and it isn't going to get better.

However, there are side effects. Generally, we become kinder to ourselves and others, understanding the frailty of the human condition. We don't give ourselves quite so much of a hard time for our inability to do everything we could do when we were 40. We allow ourselves to rest more and to find time to chat to others including all the babies in Sainsburys. We potter about in the garden and one of our biggest joys is cooking and eating our own produce. It becomes possible to lock the doors and put your nightie on at 6pm, and to take your bra off as soon as the last visitor leaves.

My friend reminded me that you have to be brave to be old, but despite ARD it is a surprisingly content time of life. The struggle to make a living is more or less over, your relationships over long years are tried and tested, you have a home which you have made comfortable and joys are many and touching. More than at any other time of your life, you can do what you want.

I wish peace, content and the best of health to all sufferers of ARD past, present and to come.

Frankie x

Is It Spring Yet?

How can you tell if it is spring? Is it the first cuckoo, or the first sign of bulbs appearing in the garden? Is there a transition or does it happen all at once?

For me, it is a change in the energy of the world around me. For example, in the winter I don’t notice that the windows need cleaning; my mind is fixed on keeping warm, cooking rib stickers, watching TV and getting through the season. When spring starts to change, I notice that the windows need cleaning, I am cross and guilty that the windows are so dirty, but I don’t yet quite have the energy to clean them. Come spring, my energy improves, and I get round to the things that have been kept on hold for the winter.

If spring energy is capable of kick starting the natural year, it requires a great deal of force and if I am not ready for it, it can feel stressed or overwhelmed. In my experience the seasonal change from winter to spring is often the most challenging,

When I want to do things and I don’t have the energy, I can become miserable or angry and certainly frustrated. I keep trying to remind myself that if there is no time to see the pussy willows in bud, or to watch the almost daily changes in the rising bulbs or listen to the excitement of the courting birds, then my life is sad indeed.

Frankie x

Me: ‘Why am I always tired?’

Me: ‘Why am I always so tired?’

Me2: ‘Because you are too busy’

Me: ‘But I am practically retired, so why am I so busy?’

Me2: ‘Because you choose to be’

Me: ‘But there is always too much to do and life is short, can’t afford to waste a minute’

Me2: ‘That is why you are always so tired.’

Me: ‘But if I had nothing to do, life would be boring, and what would I do with myself all day, and who would I be if I was not doing anything. I would become a lazy couch potato.’

Me2: ‘Does it have to be all or nothing? Is there not a happy medium?’

Me: ‘I get quite anxious if there is a space and I don’t know what to do with myself.’

Me2: ‘Why does space make you anxious? You say that peace and space are what you most want.’

Me: ‘Without structure and a ‘to do’ list, I would have to feel my feelings and some of them are uncomfortable.’

Me2: ‘Maybe avoiding that discomfort is the reason why you stay so busy.’

Me: ‘A lot of people respect me for what I do.’

Me2: ‘Would you have no value if you didn’t do things? Do you have value for just being? Is your self-esteem based on what you do, or what you are? After all, we are human beings, not human doings.

Me: ‘If I don’t slow down soon, I will be dead before I have had time to smell the roses. What am I so afraid of?’

Me2: ‘As is so often the case, it is your critic and pusher who stop you slowing down, because, when you were a child, you were criticised for daydreaming, you were encouraged to get on with it, you were told not to cry and your anger was made so wrong that you stifled it. All these feelings are still there and, sadly, you can’t go around them, you have to go through them.’

Me: ‘Maybe if I book just a little space and go a little at a time, like a date with myself for peace time?

Me2: 'Great, but it is a measure of your self-esteem whether you make a real commitment to keeping that date.

I wish you peace and joy.

Frankie x

Young people feel lonely

The news tells me today that young people often feel lonely.

I know what that is about. As a young person, I felt lonely. I thought it was because I was an only child, but it turns out that that was not the whole story.

What is loneliness? It can’t be being alone, because that’s OK and the cure can’t be about being with people, because I have been at my loneliest in a room full of people, 90% of whom I knew well and the rest I could certainly recognise.

For me, it is all tied up with being embarrassed or ashamed. My critic is at her most active when I am with others. Maybe they won’t like me, maybe I will be mortified if anyone comments on my appearance, maybe I am not as good as them, maybe I should have stayed at home!

I think the rules laid down, not necessarily in writing, but firm nonetheless, meant that, to me, parts of myself were unacceptable. The parts that felt angry, wanted to shout and scream, that wanted to throw a tantrum, jump up and down and shout “it’s not fair”, the parts that found life so difficult that I didn’t want to try because I would only get it wrong, the parts that wanted to crawl into a corner and cry and sob and howl at the moon, in short the parts that were not what I thought my parents wanted, should be hidden, kept away from others at all costs, not allowed to be in the world.

I kept the ‘wrong’ parts under control using sugar to comfort myself, inappropriate relationships to try to convince myself I was lovable, and by working far too hard to try to be what people wanted me to be. The result was an overworked, tired, less than patient person who had forgotten how to relax and enjoy.

A diamond in the raw is just a chunk of rock, but it takes many facets, all different and polished to make the glorious and valuable gem?

Could it be that I was just normal? Does everyone have those feelings?

The more facets of myself I can love and accept will make me more of a diamond!

Frankie x

Goals and Aspirations

A new year, or is it just another day?

I find it useful to punctuate the year with various landmarks and ceremonies. These give me structure and the stimulus to consider matters associated with these ceremonies.

Typically, New Year’s Resolutions set us up to fail. If we don’t achieve them, then, perhaps, we are not good enough. Having felt ‘not good enough’ for most of my life, this is not a good idea for me. To use some of the shortest days to do a little planning and thinking seems, to me, a better use of time. Goals and Aspirations sound gentler on the spirit, more achievable and less bleakly prescriptive than Resolutions.

It would be so easy to set, for example, losing 2 stones this year, as a resolution, but what if you fail? To set losing weight without being specific about your target, is too vague to be meaningful. There is the rub.

Let’s talk about peace. I have been saying that I want peace in my heart for several years now, but what do I mean by that? If I believe peace is an internal process, why don’t I just do it? Well, that is for the same reason that I don’t ‘just leave the sugar alone’. I want space for peace and quiet, and as soon as I look like getting it, I join a writers’ group to fill in the space. Maybe, the writers’ group is a way of achieving more peace because it would cause me to make the space to think about the homework and, consciously, take some time out for me. Peace, I hope is not about doing nothing, but doing that which brings more peace.

I often list ‘being more loving to myself and others’ as an aspiration and in my later years I think this is working. I am not as hard on myself as I once was and, I have never been more contented with my lot, despite the limitations of my aging and damaged body. There is still work to do in this department, but I am rarely critical of anyone any more, with the exception, of course, of my husband and me.

The secret for me is not to make absolute changes, but to keep trying gently to improve things. I build in spaces and am more and more aware of needing rest. If I lose a pound it is a win, not failure because I should have lost more.

Happy New Year!

Frankie x